Losing a friend.

Being the blunt, honest person that I am, it’s hard to find people that actually like me. And I say that having a shit ton of friends, but the thing is, most of my friends, I don’t really consider my friends. They are people I spend time with. They are people I laugh with. They aren’t people I confide in, or count on, or share other emotions with. Those people, well I don’t have many of them.

True story.  Every best friend I have ever had, I’ve argued with. See, the thing about humans are, they are humans. Humans have flaws, parts of them that will let you down, or hurt your feelings. They aren’t going to be able to be 100% perfect for you. And so, well, that happens. Someone says something, someone does something, something happens. And here we are arguing about it.

See, heres the tricky part though. I’m the type of person that can put this argument into a box. I can see it for what it is. Its feelings. Its where one person cares about the other person, and they care enough to have feelings about it. And so, this one negative feeling argument, doesn’t take away from the massive great feeling conversations we had. Other people aren’t like me though.

They lose sight of the great friendship we had, or they don’t care about it. They don’t want relationships that take work, or that hold them accountable. They would rather not talk to you, than to admit they were wrong, or they were hurt. And so they simply cannot contain the bad into its on category, and let it dirty up all the good in their mind. Once the good is tarnished, what left is there?

And so then friendships are lost. They aren’t there anymore. And as much as I am usually not the one to end a friendship, I am always the one to wish it didn’t end. I’m always the one to miss the friend, or miss the person. Even when that person hurt me. Depending on the situation, sometimes I’ll try to salvage the friendship. But sometimes, I have to have my pride. Sometimes, I have to remind myself I am not the wrong one, and to say I am, well, that means whatever I argued about isn’t important. It is important. If I am arguing because my feelings got hurt, well, my feelings are mother fucking important, and if you don’t think so, well then, even if I miss you, and wish you were still my friend, I’m not going to say that I was wrong. Because having feelings isn’t wrong.

Maybe thats the pettiness in me. The part of me that will not back down when I’m right, even when I wish I would. Does that make me weak, or strong? I’m not entirely sure anymore. All I know is when I lose a friend, well, all those memories, they are like thinking about someone that died, but they are living.. They are still making memories. Memories without you in them, and you are making memories without them. And in a way, thats more sad. I’m a pro at wishing the best for someone. Hoping their life is great, just knowing I don’t need them in mine, because of how they have hurt me. I forgive them for what they have done, I just don’t let them to do it again.

To all the people that actually want to be my friend, it isn’t hard. Just want to be in my life, and I’ll want to be in yours. If thats the core, then everything else will fall into place.

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